ugly anxiety

crushing coldness
loudness, boldness

deep dark panic
near satanic

silent screaming
almost dreaming

you aren't crazy
it's not your heart.
it's just a panic attack
tearing you apart

aftershocks

When we are talking
I forget how nervous it all makes me
until after you hang up
and a delayed reaction of tremors hit me
like pounding ocean waves
and my heart screams
"No! Wait! You had it right before!
Go back! Rewind! He makes me smile,
you ass of a brain!"
But my brain doesn't listen.
She just continues to tremble,
over-think, over-analyze, and generally drowned out
the sense my heart was making
when we were still talking on the phone.

I'm Flirting Impaired

[I found a couple more of my poems at deviantArt. This one I wrote June 9th 2004, about PoetryBoy, my Boyfriend-ish person who later became my first kiss, even though I kinda didn't kiss him back. Yeah. Awkward.]

I'm Flirting Impaired

I am so confused
By this boy who looks like a man
Especially as a woman
Staying girl-child like Peter Pan

I haven’t been pretty
But Beautiful is inconceivable
I guard my heart
Never letting boys make me deceivable

So I get lost
look at him like a foreign creature
Whether in seats at a play
Or watching his game from the bleachers.

I wait each day
For him to realize who I am, according to me
But he keeps insisting he likes
This person I’m not sure how to be

He puts an arm
Around my shoulders and I stop my breath
I might have fun
If I weren’t so scared to death.

Never been kissed
Long forgotten sweet 16, I’m almost 25
But I don’t know how
To seem more alive.

So I just keep going
Along with newness till it gets too near
And maybe, just maybe
I’ll eventually be comfortable with you here.

Goblin with the Orange Eye

His name is Goblin with the Orange Eye
He's not too brave, but he ain't too shy.
Left eye glowing' orange like a pumpkin in a patch
The others white like a ghost, so the 2 don't match
Swimming round in circles in his bowl o' glass
Givin' creepy looks as he go on pas'
I wonder if on Halloween he'll fly
Shoot right out his bowl and up to the sky
Jump on out like a bat out o' Hell
Terr'fyin' childrens with a Goblin spell!
Momma says "NO, and we don't say hell,
Or else in the corner you'll sit a spell."
She said he ain't nothing' but a speckley goldfish
And he won't do nothing' but swim in his dish.
But sometimes mommas don't know a thing
She say "you can't catch a bird by salting his wing."
And "Little ol' Goblin can't scare you to death."
But I think I thought I heard him, whisper under his breath.

Consoling The Future Groom

[to the FRINGE, who else?]

Consoling The Future Groom

I hate being engaged!
he yells shaking the walls
and assumptions.
I try to comfort him
it will be all right you love her
and she loves you
he starts to cry.
yes he says
but the waiting and aching
and her
she yells crying with her plans
and 20 credit hours
not enough time!
too much time!
it will be alright, just hang on.
you will be there
you promise
he pleads
i do.

Courage

Courage
for some
is an obsequious lackey,
trailing them, serving them,
with hardly any notice
or a nod from their master.

Why then,
must courage for me
be a Holy Grail
a quest most unattainable,
though I do not feel like a coward,
set up too high for me to reach,
like a child on tippy-toes
trying to grab the moon.

But I really need that moon,
that Holy Grail,
a big backpack full of Courage,
to go through these whirlwinds.